Lydecker's Perfidy
by intstebri
Summary: My attempt of what would have happened if Max had seen the pictures that Lydecker gave to Logan. ML. Now beated since chapter 4
1. Chapter 1: Tension

**Disclaimer**: James Cameron, Charles Eglee and Fox own Dark Angel. Not me. I won't receive any money to play with their characters.

**A/N**: This is my first fiction in English. English is not my first language, in fact: it's my most recent acquisition. I really hope that won't bother you too much for reading. (And feel free to let me a comment about my English or some judicious observations: I'm expecting that, and that will provide next chapters more readable).

**Summary**: This is my opinion about what would have happened if Max had seen Lydecker's "gift" to Logan. (Episode Pollo Loco: Lydecker had given some pictures of the children when they have killed a prisoner)

**Setting**: I started that in the middle of "I and I Am A Camera" and it _should_ end at the beginning of Meow.

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

**Chapter 1 : Tension**

The penthouse was cleared from all underlying tension when the door closed behind Max and Logan was finally able to release his breath. She had left without any word and he couldn't help thinking it was better this way; how could he agree to see her this evening? Not with these pictures, not as he still feel absolutely unable to reach the truth about his mixed emotions and his boundless questioning.

Once again, for the nth time since the last evening, he lifted the blank pages to glance on Max's pictures. How could he names that? What should he thinks about it? The now familiar amazing thoughts busted through his mind:

_A picture of victory…_

_A glint of Lydecker's success.._

An obvious demonstration of 'genetically enhanced engineering killing machine'… A proof of Max's skills… 

Through that three sounding unforgettable words: Coldly… efficiently… and happily… disturbing his thoughts with the slow, persuasive and hissing voice of Lydecker.

Overwhelmed Logan, deeply plunged in a darkness mood, swallowed heavily and tried to push away the last thought…

_Her victorious killer look…?_

Needing to clear his mind, he managed to take some deep breaths, knowing that he could reach the madness's edge. Staring at the picture, he looked at the haunted brown eyes, the pale face, the stiffness of her shoulders and, again, the blood trail. Not her own. How could he not understand…?

It was about time to see her for what she was. It was about time to wake up of his hopeless dream.

Another kind of thoughts came within him to defend her. Her age, her particular upbringing, the unavoidable constant and clearly intended training… But Eyes Only rose up merciless: _she should have known._

Suddenly, the tension was back. A loud gasp escaped him and his hands became moist.

"Max!" 

Just behind him. A breath away…

As his brain started another round of frantic thoughts, Logan forgot all trust he had always place on Max and felt the urge to face what had just become… a threat. Unable to collect his mind, scared about what he could find, he unlocked his brakes and made the quickest turn he ever made.

But she was not there. At the exact moment he was looking at her, seeing her eyes fixed on the picture, Logan knew she was over there. He stayed quiet, not in a hurry to be reminded, just watching and barely relieved.

Max came to senses and leaned to grab the pictures. Logan's instinctive retreat froze her at once, carrying her deep brown eyes at him she cautiously straightened, full aware of his anxiety.

" I have been hoping this would never happen, is this called 'fooling myself'? " Max's voice raced when she reluctantly crossed his narrowed glance "you had managed to push away the 'killer's machine' part of the genetically engineered thing, don't you? But it has finally come back in a flash, hasn't it?" She said in a neutral tone "I didn't want you to see me like that, never wanted you to look at me as a freak. I'm sorry, Logan… so much sorry. She backed out as far as she could get of Logan's desk. " Is this far away to make you feel safer? " She added in a tiny harder tone

"Max.." Logan began, not quite sure of what he could say to dismiss her suspicion, but knowing he shouldn't let her read his mind. _God! How many times had she said how weakness showing emotions is!_

Max took one last look at his expressionless face and, again, headed for the red door. _Don't even think this stubborn guy will hear you out, not likes I have any hint of what I should tell, anyway."_Max muttered "_I haven't got a ghost of a chance to bring down his walls"_ She ended, tapping the elevator's call button.

When the doors slid, she rushed herself in, and pressed the down's button before reaching the back wall. Lost in her mind, she re-played each time he had rejected her.

The first, of course, was in front of the mirror, when he had been playing her, only interested by her skills, Eyes-Only and the mission. He had been avoiding the kiss to check her neck, and had been walking away. "_I wasn't hurt that time, he wasn't the first trying to play me, I hadn't learned yet how incredible to be care for is … It was my pride that had been scratched … "_

When she came back, after the surgery, embarrassed to make the first move, not willing to tell him she had been around the hospital, in concern. He had been so distant, cold and reserved. He had refused letting her apologized. _"The first time, I had found it so difficult to stay nonchalant, this time I had started the tough-guy thing. Did he knows that I'm acting like that just around him? Usually I don't have to, I had never met people who's intimidated me like him. "_

Then another memory brought up in her mind: 'we don't have this king of relationship' he had said. _"Why did I always forget it? Common girl, is this wasn't clear enough? You are the cat burgar, the legs-worker. He told you that, but you didn't listen._

Swamped by her thoughts, she closed her eyes in order to drive back her emotions, missing the small ad of the elevator indicating the first floor.

At the vision of the sorrowful face in front of him, Bling's heart dropped in concern. He wasn't used to see her in this state, even when she was obviously hurt, she has never loose her blank face nor her casual features. For as long as he could remember she has merely showed a small coerced smirk. First seconds was wasted while he collect his senses, some others used to weight which move he should made, but before he showed up with, she opened her eyes and tried to balance herself.

"How is he?" was all Bling could barely voiced with a lump in his throat.

At first, Max didn't seem to be able to move or answer. "Scared" was finally her short reply.

"About?" he said with a sharp glance, already on his guard.

"Me"

She left the elevator and reached the entry, followed by the suddenly stunned glance from Bling.

" _These two have managed another fight out of my reach! Why did she told me he's frightened, no, she said: scared…?!"_ Standing in the elevator on its way up to the penthouse, Bling juggled with the thought of staying of their battle, but once he had entering and found his friend in front of the window, lost in his too expected brooding mood, he couldn't pretended anymore being able to. He firmly closed the door behind him, took a deep breath and moved straight to Logan.

_**TBC……**_


	2. Chapter 2: Strange reps

**Disclaimer**: James Cameron, Charles Eglee and Fox own Dark Angel. Not me. I won't receive any money to play with their characters.

A/N:** Thanks** for all your very appreciated comments.

Note: I'm so embarrassed to have posted the last paragraph of the chapter 1 last week. Not only because I hadn't fixed my English yet, but also because chapter 1 must had finished with Max saying "Me" and Bling stunned glance following her.

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

**Chapter 2: Strange Reps**

" _These two have managed another fight out of my reach! Why did she tell me he's frightened, no, she said: scared…?!"_ Standing in the elevator on its way up to the penthouse, Bling juggled with the thought of staying away of their battle, but once he had entered and found his friend in front of the window, lost in his too expected brooding mood, he couldn't pretend to be able to do it anymore. He firmly closed the door behind him, took a deep breath and went straight up toward Logan.

When Bling crossed the office door, on his way toward Logan, his eyes caught the pictures on the desk. At first, it seemed to be some new cases Eyes-Only was working on, until he noticed the big yellow envelope lying under the pictures and he stopped. Grabbing the stack of pictures, he flipped them one by one. In his mind, while each pieces of information slid into their place, the puzzle was solved. This was the envelope Lydecker had let at the appointment's place. This was the mail he had handed over to Logan – _himself_ -. Now, at least, Bling knew why Logan was where he was and why he was there: he was pondering about it.

Logan was lost in his thoughts, trying to analyze, weight up and reason all events, each time he had met Max since the last day. His eyes never left the small Ninja, who had barely stopped at the red light, on his way to the sector 5. Eventhough he felt Bling's presence, seated on the arm of the couch beside him, Logan stays still and keep glaring threw the window. It was only when he heard a short inspiration from Bling than he spun around to face his therapist.

"Hey! Give me a second, I'll meet you soon in the training room." He said sweetly before wheeled toward his room.

Bling expressed his surprise with a loud snort, amazed by the brand new way that Logan had found to keep his denial behavior, and he frowned at the idea that he was using his therapy to avoid a talk. Someday, he will have to teach him that this wasn't an issue. "_Why not now_?" was his next thought, and it took barely a second before Bling realize that it was a time as good as another. " _Okay then, here we are Logan, you start on top and be sure I'll keep account of this_." was his last thought as he went toward the exercise room and wait for his charge.

Logan's evasive eyes, when he came in, comforted him with his decision; if he had doubted for a second that Logan's sudden enthusiasm for his reps wasn't for what he thought, Bling saw in this behavior that he was absolutely right.

And Bling did it. If he usually gently followed his patient's rhythm, today was completely different. Today he needed to put Logan out of his reassuringly boundaries without give him time to think. And Logan quickly understood that something strange was coming up. Bling started the reps like he always did, but faster then ever and with an all-new and totally unexpected… _"Babbling? What the hell?_" thought a perturbed Logan. And that marked the first round won by Bling. "_one-one_" Bling mentally asserted noticing Logan's expression.

First part of the session seemed to have been fast-forwarded, while Logan was doing his best to follow Bling's instructions, almost barely intelligible through his flood of words.

"I was 18 years old when I decided to join the army. It was my best attempt to do something good for the society… Please, lift your arm until your elbow is haft-way from your shoulder… I had notice the strange glance of Grand-Ma, but didn't understood why she was so... how could I say… perplexed? Yes, perplexed… Don't bond in this way, you could hurt your tendon and you won't be able to joint the basketball practice tomorrow … We were about 50 to join the rank this day. But at the end, we were scarcely 9. You should increase the weight, it will make you faster, take this one. The training was out of reach for a lot of them…

As Logan didn't grab the weight that his therapist was holding in front of him, until Bling gently led his attention on it, the therapist managed to hide a smile: "_Two-one_" he added promptly

Still trying not to miss any indications, Logan frowned as he began to understand what Bling was saying "_What are you on about Bling? The story of your life_?" Logan was stunned. He had expected his friend would to ask him about why he was in front of the window, but he couldn't really make any logical link with this uninterrupted speech.

"There was so many things to learn, you know: standard field technique, closed combat, war's tactics, weapons and equipment, all the science of warfare… Okay for this, start with your left arm now and I will take care of your right leg… It took almost four years before they recognized we were ready for our first mission. I will always remember this first affectation…."

Bling started to stretch Logan's leg, one hand on his knee and the other circling his ankle. When he lifted a bit rapidly than his accustomed speed, it was enough to destabilized him. Logan's attention was still focused with bending is arm and his loose grasp on the table was insufficient to keep him straight. If his therapist hadn't already lowered his leg, and quickly held his shoulder in attempt to stabilize him, he would have fall down the table.

Both of them froze at this thought.

For Bling, it was the thought of, maybe, reaching the limits he had fixed himself long time ago. He felt ashamed of his carelessness due to his will to reach his goal. He didn't know if he should go on.

For Logan, at first, it was the thought of what could have happen if he had added another injury on his already broken body. But his ongoing habit to avoid all thoughts about his injury rewarded him one more time. Now totally focused on Bling's expression, he could see his hesitation. and was able to pierce the mystery around this strangest session. His brain computed the chronology of events and Logan conclude the evidence: Bling had seen Max when she left. "_They must have spoken_." decided Logan, and this convinced him that Bling was about to lecture him one again. "_Go ahead, I'm ready_" was his inner response.

When Bling managed to glance at his face, still wrapped in his concerns, he almost choked when he saw a thin glimpse of amusement on Logan's face, and he couldn't help thinking his freind would always find some ways to bemuse him.

If the second part of this special session had continued like it had started, while Logan was still rushed by his therapist and had to suffer Bling's old memories, something had nevertheless changed… Bling was aware that if he couldn't quite seize precisely what had caused this change, but he definitively felt it, at a point he didn't know if his score could rise anymore.

So, when they had ended Logan's reps and when Bling had reminded him that he mustn't forget to drink water, the therapist wasn't really surprised that his friend wheeled, there and then, toward the bathroom as he casually threw over his shoulder:

"You will remind me to ask for the score later?"

Bling left the penthouse just wishing that it was, at least, a tie.


	3. Chapter 3: Interaction

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

**Chapter 3 : Interaction**

It has been a hard day for Bling, but he was ready to leave now. As he was walking down the corridor, staring at the clock above the door he was about to pass, he tried to estimate the time needed to reach his destination. The question was to know whether he would have to wait too much at the sector point or not. He realized that he would be lucky if he could make it in time and was fully aware that he should have left an hour earlier.

He was going to push the outside door when his name sounded through the speaker. Dr Carr was looking for him and, even if he was in a hurry, Bling couldn't ignore his demand. Turning on his heels, he came back and entered in the first elevator he found to reach the floor of Sam Carr's office.

Sam greeted him with a light nod as he was on the phone, motioning a hand toward the chair in front of his overcharged desk. Bling sat on and erased any sign of impatience of his face; he didn't remember having been convened by the doctor without any good reason. He folded his arms on his chest and waited, letting his eyes glancing over the files piled up on the desk as he reorganized his evening according to this new delay.

The call ended.

"Thank you for coming, Bling." Started Sam as he hung up the phone, took a file, opened it and looked at his watch all in the same time. "I know you're done here since a few minutes, but I have two urgent cases I need to discuss with you."

"That has never been a problem, Sam. I'm listening." Bling articulated calmly, turning his attention to the doctor.

"I will start with Martin Cage. I was informed that you put him on alert. According to your notes, you want to keep him on it for the next 24 hours. I saw him around 4:00, it doesn't look like he's going to make it by himself, so I increased his medication for the next two days."

Bling nod in agreement.

"The 24 hours will end tomorrow at 11:00. I will wait to see if you still need to keep him on watch. Otherwise, let me know, I will have to modify his medication again." Dr Carr said writing something in the file before closing it and replacing it on another stack.

"It's noted." Bling confirmed.

"Good" Sam looked at the therapist briefly and he sighed while his hand reached the second file. "This case is less alarming, but I think it's urgent too." Sam didn't seem sure how to continue and he looked on the desk. "Logan Cale." He managed, opening the other file. "I want to check some... follow-up with you"

Bling unfolded his arms and straightened.

"At first, let me tell you that nothing we are going to discuss now must get out of this office. I'm going to violate the professional secrecy." Sam closed the file to which he hadn't even throw a glance and waited for Bling's agreement. Tow minutes passed before he was answered by a small solemn nod, and San mentally thanked the therapist to have taken his time before giving his answer - not that he hadn't expected this professional behavior.

So, he begun.

"This girl, Max, who came after Logan's last surgery, who also provided him with a transfusion when he was still on a critical state while he was still in intensive cares. I remembered to have seen her trailing in the neighborhood when Logan has been shoot. Did you notice that too?"

" Yes, Logan met her two or three days before. She has been following his rehabilitation with concern, but she wasn't sure if she would have been allowed to come closer to him at that moment." Was Bling's lengthy answer, as he wondered if that explanation was what Max herself would have said.

"She came back to see me a couple of days after Logan's release." He allowed himself a slight smile for his own choice of words, but he didn't keep it longer as he continued "She had lots of questions. Very specific questions regarding injuries."

Bling raised an eyebrow.

"I'm surprise by the amount and the quality of information she has gathered. I couldn't have had this kind of conversation with a lot of people here …" Still looking at Bling, Sam let his words sounded like a question and paused.

"She'd been there sometimes, while he was doing his physiotherapy, and she had asked me one or two general information regarding that matter. I gave her some answers. It was more about body's motions than anything else. My guess is that she has found these information on the Net." Explained Bling carefully, making a mental note to check it out with Max later. He couldn't help an inner smile as he thought he was right about her interest for his friend.

" I would have hoped the Net could still provide this kind of specific information, but I did some researches when she had left; there were not enough stuff on the sites that showed up." Objected Dr Carr as he leaned towards the therapist, both elbows on the desk, in attempt to emphasize his next words.

"She already knows all about people who have a spinal cord injury: how it is risky and hazardous to be unaware of some part of our body. She knows that the cold affects faster in these conditions, that the circulatory system is weaker and that the infections are unavoidable. She knows how work the digestive system and its needs. She even knows that some neurological problems could come later and could spread the damage to other areas." Sam's voice had raised while he was listing all things they have been talking.

Bling just nodded slowly, again.

"And if without no doubt she could have learned this on the Net, the fact is that she knew more. She knows about treatments, research in progress, pharmaceutical products: painkillers, tranquilizers and that they could be addictive and the risk of intoxication if they are melted carelessly. Even the suicidal intention that they could provided if their are used too much." The doctor tilted his head on one side raising his eyebrows like he was still amazed by the range of her knowledge.

"She definitively has a few tricks up her sleeve" was the small concession of Bling.

"She talked to me about genetic engineering, pluripotents cells, autoimmune system's…" His head tilted a bit more as he finished a tone under "And she has barely mentioned the possible positive effects of physical therapies for every parts of the body."

A spark appeared in Bling's eyes, he took another mental note, this time to try again 'The Talk' with Logan and added to his first note some more congratulations to have weighted her correctly.

"Nothing to worry about, these are good news, aren't these?" asked Bling still waiting to find why the doctor mentioned 'violate professional secrecy'.

"Yes, I think so. Maybe someone like her is the best thing Logan which has happened to Logan. And I also think that they share something special. She was more than anxious when she had asked for him after his last surgery. But I'm puzzled."

Bling quickly lift his chin invited him to explain.

"When Logan came back with his sudden bodily feeling some time after that transfusion, I asked for a blood test." Sam finally breathed.

Bling barely blinked.

"Do you have any hint on the meaning of this?" asked directly Dr Carr, with a 'more-than-only-professional' intonation in his voice now, seeking in Bling's eyes for an answer.

Bling's face turned blunt.

"I don't think I can help you on this" Bling said as he raised both of his eyebrows in an attempt to look surprise, and then frowned quizzically, trying to look perplexed, wishing facial expressions aren't really considered as lies. His thoughts were spinning, he has expected being questioned about it and, so, he was ready; the day he had heard about the transfusion, he had sorted which information to share with Sam, and he had decided that he couldn't say anything. If someone else than Max had to explain it, it wasn't him, it ought to be Logan.

Sam's penetrated glance lay on him showing a great suspicion, and then Sam settled himself to rest on the back of his chair"

"Maybe not…" he whispered "I would have hoped that you would have been a bit more in their loop." He added like he was trying to tease the therapist "That could have provided some explanations." As Bling was still showing his best confused look, Sam took an audible breath and warned him louder "I'm sorry Bling, I will ask you to remember that this conversation is strictly confidential."

Bling rose slowly, without breaking eyes contact, holding out one hand for Sam with a thin nod before heading towards the door.

Bling closed the door behind him, letting Dr Sam Carr staring at the door ambiguously.

He made his way out to the exit with a quick glance at the clock and winced when he noticed that another hour has passed. When he reached his car, he left the parking thinking it was useless to go to the sector 9 regarding it was already 7:30. He will have to extend his researches if he wanted to find her.

A few hours later, his unsuccessful investigations drove him at home with a bitter taste in his throat. He had spent his evening driving between Max's place, the Crash and the Space Needle. No sign of Max. Once in his bed, trying to save the remaining hours to sleep, he finally wondered, in a second thought, he should have checked at Fogle Towers.


	4. Chapter 4: Evolution

**A/N:**Fabulous news: I'm betead now. A very big **thank you** to jgrisham for her wonderful work!

All remaining mistakes are mine, evidently.

Thank you to all people who took the time to review (all your comments are very appreciated), and to all people who still read.

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

**Chapter 4: Evolution**

Two hours later, Bling woke up startled by his pager and was in his car within five minutes. While he was on his way to the hospital, he concentrated to keep his fears, which was knocking and yelling at the meticulously closed door in his mind to invade his thoughts, away. Dressing mentally the list of steps he will have to go through, he kept repeating to himself that Martin Cage will need a therapist in total control of his own fears. These kinds of emergencies were the reasons he had always worked on this mental discipline he had learned a long time ago.

When he reached his patient's room, Bling knew it would be another long and tough day. The true meaning of his paralysis had finally sunk in and he was overwhelmed by the implications that this would imply. The nurses were overtaken by his deep depression and Dr Carr had to increase once more his medication. The guy was totally out of control; crying, shouting, even yelling.

In the middle of the morning, once the medication had started to calm the patient, Bling left him with the nurse and made his way to the nearest phone. Logan's answering machine caught his message announcing he would have to cancel his visit. After he hung up, a familiar thought came up suddenly: some day, Logan will have to go through that too. And the more he'll postponed it, the worse it will be.

At the very end of the day, Bling, Dr Carr and every nurse had managed to bring Martin from the edge. All of them nearly exhausted.

The morning after, Bling stopped by Normal's desk and waited for Max's boss to finish his last tentative, to hurry up his employees and get them to work, he threw a glance over a crowd of young bickers, without finding who he was looking for.

As Normal stopped yelling and started to throw packages towards the closest one, he had to quickly move back to avoid one of them. His handsome features hardening a bit, Bling moved straight in front of Normal in attempt to get his attention.

" Yes sir, may I help you?" Normal greeted him with a particularly licking inflexion he hadn't used when he was howling seconds earlier. Bling managed to hide a small smirk at this behavior.

"I'm looking for Max." Bling articulated briefly.

The look of annoyance on Max's boss's face revealed that it was the less pleasant part of his responsibilities and his unkindly answer proved it.

"Make yourself at home, and if you find her, tell her that I have lots of urgent packages here waiting for her good will."

Normal took a look on the building muscles of the man in front of him and, in a second thought, he motioned a hand towards a bench lying in between the lockers.

"Usually, when she delights us by her presence, she lays there idly chattering and trading jokes with all the others, not bothering to earn their pay; just waiting as if some little wings could grow on the packages allowing them to fly towards their respective destination by themselves!" Normal couldn't help being ironical while he was imitating the frantic flapping movements of these small wings, his arms stuck alongside his body and his hands beside his shoulders.

"Have you not seen her yet this morning?" Bling insisted again, ignoring his wit.

Normal made a show to look at his watch and then at Bling with a stunned expression.

"So early? It would have been such an event that would have caused me to inquire about her health" muttered Normal as, like he was driven by an intuition, he suddenly looked at the entrance and added sweetly:

"Max! What a great pleasure to see you, everything all right for you? I'm worried."

Max stopped at the middle of her way in, her eyes locked on Bling, fear obvious on her face. Bling remembered the last time he had come to see her at the Crash and that he had to face this same fearful look.

"He's alright" he smiled to her, knowing that he ought to reassure her hastily.

The relief drove out the scared expression of her face and with a mischievous smile she brought her glance on her boss.

"Normal, I'm on break." She spattered to him provocatively, earning only a despaired shaking of shoulders followed by some muted words she didn't bother to listen.

"What's up, Bling?" she asked to the trainer where he came to meet her, with a small nod toward Normal.

"Can we go out and talk?"

"Yep, no problem." She agreed and turning on her heels, she preceded him through the exit.

Once there, she rested her back on the outside wall of the building, folding her arms, and with an inquired glance, stared at him silently.

"Look Max, " started Bling, actually finding it harder than he would have thought, "Something happened between you and Logan. I was thinking we should talk about it. Maybe I could help in some manner."

"Why?" she opposed, no longer rested on the wall, but now standing on both feet, ready to run. "It's alright, nothing to worry about"

"Max, " Bling tried again, hardly keeping an aired tone "you can't dismiss that both of you are in a kind of situation."

"Don't see."

"You were almost shocked when I saw you at the penthouse last time. I just can't stand along without trying to help to sort it all."

An undefined expression grew on her eyes, while Max was replaying in her mind the last time she had met Logan. She had called him to verify some information and he had told her to stop by. While she were there, he had seemed a bit less nervous, but when she had tentatively asked to go with him to see his uncle, he had retreated behind his walls so quickly that she had been incapable of restraining herself to tease him. She had spoken about this man who followed her. As she had expected, he fell in her trap drifted by his concern for her. She had been able to test his improved assurance… and he failed. His stunned look when she had said that she would kill the guy – and his bemused silence – had been an irrefutable proof.

"Logan is okay. He's not scared anymore." She resumed to Bling.

"So, this is good news." Bling stated, not really sure it was.

"Yeah… If I put aside the fact that, now, Eyes-only is on his 'track down' mode." She spilled sadly.

Bling didn't stop Max when she left. He did understand, who could escaped from Eyes-Only…


	5. Chapter 5: Refuge

**A/N: **Yes! Thanks to her, my wonderful Beta sent me back my poor – full of mistakes - work . Now wiped of all these mistakes! So, like usual: **thank you rjgrisham!** (Jeannette) From all my heart.

Thank you to all of you who take the time to review it! It's really appreciated. So please if you read, let me know. A simple: "not so bad" will do the work. Because I tend to think that if you don't like, you won't read… But if I'm wrong, let me know!

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

Chapter 5: Refuge 

Back in front of Normal's desk, Max laid on the burdened counter .

"Hey Normal! Do you have a run for me, or do I have to wait, _again_?" she teased.

For a second or two, he delighted her with his bewildered expression, but Normal wasn't a guy to remain speechless for a long time. Rolling his eyes he opened his mouth, loaded with the nastiest answer he could find in such a short time. But Max clamped a hand over it as she randomly grabbed three of the packages in a precarious state at the top of the stack.

"Feel free just staying sullen. Don't have time for your speech." She uttered, and she left as he was literally steaming behind her.

Once outside, she checked for the addresses on the packages and felt a bit discouraged as none of them showed any Sector 9's streets, instead she winced noticing all of them would drive her from the sector 2 to the near end of the sector 11. _"Okay, why not travel through all the city only with my mind to distract me? That wouldn't have been the worst time." _Even the thought of Normal's reaction, when he would figure out her route, didn't cheer up her mood.

Max reached her bike and headed toward the opposite side of Logan's place. As she turned the corner and caught the arrival of Original Cindy, she just waved a hand showing her best tentative of smile, but didn't dare to stop. Her friend followed her escape with a look of concern, aware that Max was avoiding her. "_Can she really think that I will let her be? "_ Wondered Cindy as she entered in Jam Pony to ask to Normal about Max's route and figure out if she could manage to meet her at lunch time. "

"Hey Normal, what's about Max, where did you send her?" OC asked to Normal. Her tone was more demanding than asking.

"I sent her to work. Like I must do." Answered Normal looking at her, and he gave her some packages as he added: "Hot run! Sector 9. Bip Bip Bip! No work, no pay. Keep your mind on your job."

Cindy didn't bother to take the packages and crossed her arms still staring at him.

"Don't mess with me, Normal. Just tell me where she went, you could do that."

Normal was annoyed, he didn't have the time to sort the deliveries yet, so he didn't have a clue where Max was going. And Normal being Normal, he didn't want to admit it to Original Cindy. He kept looking at her without a word, the stubbornness easily readable on his face. But it would have been surprising that the man could really have fooled Max's roommate, and OC let escape a frustrated sigh.

"Don't tell me you don't know! Why I'm not surprise?" Cindy mocked, finally taking her packages to leave without any other comments and mumbling something about inefficient boss. She would have to pray being there when Max would be, knowing that her friend wouldn't answering even if she paged her.

Max was running as fast as she could without dragging too much attention on her. She had always needed to restrain herself when she was in this kind of mood. Unable to face her emotions, exhausting herself was the only thing to do to stop her mental wanderings. But with her engineered body and all these years of tough training, exhaustion wasn't easy to achieve. Cursing Manticore one more time, Max almost wished being caught by another seizure at the memory of how she lost her mind when they came.

Some time later, back on the streets after her last delivery, her thoughts were turning around about strange guy who had followed her since a couple of days ago. She had taken the run to avoid the talk that OC would have had with her, but she was regretting it. The guy was starting to bother her, seriously. As Lydecker's voice shout in her head: _The best defense is a good offense,_ she decided that this evening would be the right time to figure out about this guy. _And keep you away from a certain penthouse _added the little disturbing voice.

Soon after thoughts she arrived at the checkpoint in between sectors 5 and 9. Something should have come up earlier because there was a long line of vehicles waiting for what seemed to be a very careful inspection. This new interruption caused her to curse Seattle's martial law. She wasn't in a mood to face the unpleasantness inherent in travelling through the sectors since the Pulse. She had fought since the morning to keep all thoughts about Logan away, which had been barely easy even while she was busied to avoid bumping cars or people on her way. So, waiting at the checkpoint would certainly allow them to invade her.

As she looked around to avoid waiting, her glance crossed to the small church on the skirt of the barriers. Max's heart hitched when she realised that she was knowing that the church was there, but she had tried to put the thought off. "_I'm not returning there."_ Max admonished herself as her legs, driven by their own will, brought her in front of the stair leading to the doors. She didn't fight anymore and, leaving her bike beside the stairs, she made her way up to push one of the massive doors and slid inside. Once in, she took a moment to focus her eyes while she heard within her head the bothered voice: _Need a crutch?._

She sat at the back of the church a faint smile curving her lips as the thought that that had become a habit flashed across her mind. Max finally closed her eyes and allowed the surrounding peace to slowly slip within her. She had learned to dismiss the whisper of the prayers so she wasn't disturbed by them anymore. That was the place she could come nearest to peace that she had always felt when Logan was around.

Don't think to him 

But the peace wasn't enough. She couldn't tell exactly what her feeling were, but with Logan around, she felt much better than that.

Don't think about him 

She was missing this feeling so much that she couldn't stop searching a way to fix things with him.

Let it end! 

Max finally listened her inner command and slowly dragged Logan out of her mind.

At the very moment, Ben's face appeared suddenly in her mind with all her remorses at its tail. What if she hadn't killed him? What if she had been able to stop him in the warehouse? Why hadn't she had the strength to change things? She had craved to find her siblings for so long, and when that came, all that she had been able to do was to kill him… Opening her eyes, she stared at the Blue Lady with anger. _Emotions are weakness_ shouted the voice. _Yes! _Max retorted to herself _but I'm weak!_ _'cause, I'm so damn hurt._

She would have loved to talk with him, to learn how he had managed to live in this world, how he had felt finally free. She would have loved to keep him around, to have somebody like her to take care of her, and to take care of him herself. But it seemed that the X5 wasn't designed to face emotions. And now she wondered how many times she would stand without falling, like Ben. She wondered if this strange behavior was a step she would have to face, sooner or later. And that thought scared her like hell. Maybe Manticore was right, maybe emotions wasn't only weak, but also dangerous. _Banish all emotions. Don't let anything reach you. You are soldiers._

Max took a deep breath to clear her head. As she did, she noticed a presence beside her. Eyes still closed, she recognize the scent of her invader and a soft relieved smile grew on her face.

"I'm pleased to see you Max." Father Destrey greeted her with this soft voice that she had already classed in her 'Friend' folder. Even after she had told him who she was, and so who was Ben, he was still acting with her with softness and kindness allowing her to feel welcome.

She didn't answer, but she stared at him, and he understood that she was comforted by his presence. They kept looking at each other for a while. The young priest was aware of Max's need for comfort and he was willing to let her take it from him. Since the first time she had come, he had learned to never start talking before her, he had learned to let her decide if she would stay... or run. And since he had understood how that moment was important to her, she had never run.

"You sniff out honeys in church?" Max softly said, a spark flashing in her eyes.

Father Destrey's smile grew warmer, that was his cue, and he played along, slowly removing his scarf to reveal his clergy collar.

"Father Destrey."

"Oh." Mocked Max, this time not sorry at all.

"You need to talk, don't you?" He inquired, his melodious voice letting her know he was still willing to listen.

Max bowed her head, she came to find some peace, but wasn't sure if she could let him come closer than he already was. When she had left her dead sibling, in this forest, and ran for her freedom once again, she had found him on her way. Close enough to understand that he had witnessed the fight, the talk... and what she had done. At first, she had only brought him with her through the forest and dropped him at the church, unable to cross his eyes, unable to answer his unformulated questions. The fears lingering on his features were so obvious that she decided it would be better for him that she leave without further explanations.

She had hopped on her bike, gunning it across the city toward the only place on earth where she knew she would be protected... even of herself.

At Logan's, she had found her friend strangely silent and her move to drop on his knees and cry her heart out had been abruptly stopped when she had crossed his cautious glance. Rather, she had stammered her need for a shower and retreated into the bathroom. She had lost all notion of the time in that shower, weeping and sobbing the death of her brother, crying and suffering what she had done. Isolated. Hidden.

When the water became cold, she had left her refuge to reach the living room and stared out the window, her eyes locked on the shadow of Logan reflected on the glass, wishing that Logan would come and ask her about Ben. Wishing that Logan would comfort her, would tell her that she had done the right thing. Wishing he would take her hand or brush her hair. Wishing, with all her heart, that he would push her pain away.

But he had bailed on her.

And when she had walked toward him and apologized, he hadn't made any other comment than his helpless 'No problem'. She had been reduced to sitting on the couch and contemplating the emptiness of her self, barely distracted by Bling's arrival when he had asked to Logan to follow him.

Back in the present time, her heart broke as she remembered that it was the first time she had seen the envelope. The envelope contained those pictures. The envelope, that Logan had learned what she was. If only she had known. Maybe, **maybe**, she would have been able, for once, to find the right words, to let her guard down enough to sort it all. But unaware of the true meaning of Bling's arrival, she had left the penthouse haunted by Logan's glance, feeling the urge to find the forgiveness that he couldn't bring to her.

She had driven across the city on her bike, craving for peace, still weeping, for hours. Then she had remembered the kindness of the Father Destrey, his words about the confessional and how people could feel better walking out, and she had returned… And she had raised the veil of her secrecy. She had told him about her, about Ben, about Manticore and about Logan. They had talked for hours, they had shared their feeling about Ben. She had begged him for pardon, for being her, for Ben to be him, and he had given his comprehension, his acceptance, his pardon.

Since that, this place had been her refuge each time she had met Logan and realized how difficult their relationship had become.

The gentle touch of the young priest on her hands brought her back and she looked at him sheepishly. Still, she didn't know if she could tell him everything she wanted.

But once again – so easily for him – he broke her defenses down.

"Here or there" Whispered Father Destrey as he pointed the confessional. "All you could say will never be judged or betrayed."

And once again, she gave up all restrain and all soldiers' manners, and she started talking.


	6. Chapter 6 : Confrontation

**A/N : Many thanks again to my BETA rjgrisham, without her this wouldn't be possible. **

**I will be interested to know what you didn't like as much as what you liked. Let me know.**

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

Chapter 6: Confrontation 

" Here am I this evening, again…" Thought Max as she was sitting at the top of the Space Needle. She couldn't go home, where OC was still waiting for her to finish their talk. Even though they had a small talk earlier that didn't seem to stop the worry of her friend. Maybe because I kept denying everything. Max had carefully avoided her homegirl the last few days, keeping herself away from their place, passing her time here on the Space Needle and at the church. She hadn't slept either, but she was designed to go without sleep for a while, so it wasn't a big deal.

She couldn't head for Logan's as he was still affected by the pictures. By her. By what she was… _or she is…. Anyway!_

She had left her friends after the memorial for Snuffy, unable to really feel the hurt as them. She remembered how Original Cindy had cried in Herbal's arms. How Sketchy had had difficulties to swallow the lump in his throat. How Herbal had gathered his composure, slipping himself deeper in his spiritual own refuge.

The brief but intense ceremony had brought many more questions than she already had. How could she face her lack of emotions? Why didn't she feel more than vaguely sorry for her friend, who had lost his best friend? Emotions. It was what drove humans. Her talk with Father Destrey had almost convinced her that she could be human. But she still felt this lack of emotions, tailed by worries to not deserve this condition. So many questions about being human was running around in her mind.

At Crash, her friends were chattering idly, drinking their beers slowly, still on the mood of the evening. Once again, she had chosen the easiest way: running. Like earlier days, when she had left on a faint 'If you need to talk…' to Herbal. As this thought came, she remembered the simple but sincere words that even Normal had been able to find.

"Did I just wish was like him?" Wondered Max to her, using the eternal Normal's mocking to ease her mood. But when she realized the hint of truth in that thought, her smile dropped.

When they had escaped from Manticore, she had been too much buried to survive, hidden and safe, to worry about her being human. And after the Pulse, when she had ran around the country, she had learned that foods and small comfort was all she needed to keep living. All these years had past so fast. Always on the road, running from Lydecker, seeking for her siblings.

When she had crossed Seattle and found this job at Jam Pony, she knew that it could be just for a short time. Her needs to kept running, her failed attempt to find something about her siblings in that town had almost had her deciding to leave the town some months before.

_Before_.

Before she met him. Before she found herself implicated in that mess with Sonrisa. Before she felt unable to leave anymore. Before she started to think about being, or not, human.

That had became a sort of obsession, her greatest wish. _When did I forget to be wary of my dreams?_

Being human needed to be able to have emotions, but emotions for her was something seeming to be create to burn her to hell. She had learned it, one day, on the road for Canada with her brother Zack. But like always, she hadn't been able to handle it and she had come back, to stop the fire eating her.

She remembered when she was young, still at Manticore, they had to feel emotions sometimes, and they had learned to fight them mercilessly until these emotions gave up and went. And later on the road, she had just stopped to feel them, like if nothing could raise one within her. The first, she remembered, was the one, unexpected, about this guy who had been shot as he was trying to save the world: the guilt. She had let her brain process it as usual: take a look on, briefly analyze it and carefully put it on a folder somewhere in her mind.

Sometimes these folders just laid around to be accessed quickly and some others time the folder needed a specific place far away, well protected, unaccessible. Like Eva's death.

The guilt had taken this way, the guilt have been cautiously driven at this dark, deep, locked and encumbered place. Not allowed to pass near the 'feel's zone'. Her brain running efficiently on autopilot, to protect her, to keep her sane.

And Father Destrey had told that being human was feeling emotions and being driving by them.

Will I be driven to hell 

It was her choice. She had to decide whether or not she would allow emotions to break down within her to drive her where she wished to be. And she would maybe be reward by Logan's acceptance. Maybe. She had wondered to herself if those were worth it, and the answer had been bellowed by everything within Max' being.

She didn't have any choice anymore and she was left with all the questions blowing her mind.

Earlier she had called Logan, to ask him if she could bring him Phil. Once she made sure that he hadn't killed the guys or anyone recently released from custody. She made sure that Phil didn't represent a bigger threat that an intellectual challenge for Logan had been her first priority.

Logan had seemed at ease with her around, more than the evening before, and Max slightly smiled at this thought. But once again the smile faded off as she remembered his move when she had sat herself beside him. She could swear that he had been ready to put some distance between them, as his hands had unconsciously reached his wheels . He had been stopped by Phil, coming back from the bathroom, unsure who of her or Phil was the freakier. She had heard his heart beating a bit faster. _One fucking time again_. She couldn't bear to hear Logan's pulse rise, especially when it comes from her presence around him.

That was why he had led them in the dinner room, to be safely sat with the table between them. She had been fully aware that he was still having problems dealing with her as he had ordered her to go with Phil for the pictures of the hoverdrone. Never, ever had Logan 'ordered' her to do something before. Not with this voice, not with this glance, not when she wasn't in danger. This had changed too, since the picture.

Max came to the point that she had to find answers. And the only thing Max could think was: action. She stood up carelessly from the edge of the Space Needle and headed for the better place she could find answers. The penthouse.

As she was driving through the sector, testily gunning her engine, she cursed as she noticed that, since Logan had been kidnapped by Bronck, she had never enjoyed this ride anymore. When it wasn't worries about Logan, it was worries about both of them and in all cases the ride always seemed too long.

Nearer of Logan's, she threw a glance to the top of the building and lessened her grip on the gas of her Ninja. There were no lights, but it was early for him, too early. In fact, he shouldn't be already asleep . She entered in the garage and parked her bike beside Logan's Aztek with a sigh of relief to see that he was at home. Although she would be willing to wait for his return if he wasn't there, why he wasn't and where he could be would have risen her worries again.

The worries were usual now, each time Logan was out for any reasons, she couldn't help but wonder if he would be back whole and healthy. The best would be that she ties him at home when she wasn't available to be there to get his back during his errands. She wondered what would be his reaction if she ever restrained him to leave the penthouse without Bling – or best: herself – as she was settling her keys in a pocket and headed for the elevator. While she was riding the elevator to the penthouse floor, Max stared at the small LED's above the sliding doors to avoid having to answer her inner voice asking from where this intense will to mother Logan could have come.

When the doors slide open, she headed for the door and stood in front for a minute. It was the last line to cross. She wondered if she would make it, debating within herself whether or not being unsure would be less hurting than knowing Logan's true feelings. But it was so hard now to get him going about his thoughts and there was no other way to know except to go right ahead and confront him. After all, it was Logan, and Logan had never hurt her before.

She picked the lock in a few seconds and made her way on the penthouse noiselessly. She hadn't called him to inform him that she would be coming, like all the past times, but maybe caught him by surprise would be easier. When he knew it was too easy for him to hide his thoughts. Max shook her head to drive out the adamant voice saying: _You could regret it…_

She walked to the office and wasn't suprised to find it empty. No lights, no computers, no Logan... make sense. She threw a glance for the bay window, but still no sign of him, so she turned for the kitchen. _Waste of time__with what you cheek _Mocked the little soldier within her absolutely not afraid by her exasperated shaking of head. _The lights are off, it's not like he could trot himself around like some engineering machine that we know._

Max winced and turned, without checking the kitchen, to the corridor of his bedroom. The door was open and she couldn't hear any sounds from the bathroom, so he wasn't there either. _Like if someone could also be wrong!_ Max allowed herself to mock her inner voice. But the little battle between her and herself came to end as the worries came back. Her feet nailed on the bedroom floor, she was starting to wonder where in hell Logan could be.

The soft hum of wheels, behind her, startled Max and she spun around on her heels.

« I was waiting for you » Logan launched shamelessly as he was wheeling himself toward her in the corridor and he caught her brief start with a mocking smile.

"Logan…" stammered Max "It's… dark?"

Logan's smile vanished and Max cursed herself as her tone had sounded reproachful.

" Yes" Logan answered curtly before he headed toward the living room and settled himself in front of the wide window, leaving Max to follow him.

"I started coffee, it should be ready soon, take a seat Max." Logan explained to Max and as she took off her boots before to perch herself on the back of the couch. Logan looked at her, in the light of the city slipping by the window to highlight Max's features.

An inner laugh shook Logan shoulders, she was now taking care of his furniture? Some of her new comportment was having at least some good side. But he stopped laughing as the thought of how she had changed in the last couple of days, aware that he would have accepted any furniture damage if that could bring back to him his old Max. The one he had been sure to know, even if it was just a little bit. As she was staring at him, Logan could see the blank face she was still showing. She had managed to shut away the tiniest expression of her face. All he was facing now was nothing but a shell. And he was the one who had made her like that. Since she had caught him with Lydecker's pictures, Logan was facing the emotionless features of Max, her distant behavior, and her constant restrain. He felt like he had cut the wings of his angel.

"I forgot to call," apologized Max while she was crawling from the back to the seat of the couch. She saw that Logan had to raise his head to look at her, like he always had to do now when people was standing around him. And she settled herself to reach his level. As she did, she noticed the candles on the coffee table in front of her and moved a hand toward; asking him with a glance to lite them.

"If you want to, " accorded Logan and his lips curved up "since when obscurity had become hard to handle by a genetically engineering…" but the last words died in his throat, when she drew a jagged breath.

One hand now froze in the air over the candles, Max head suddenly turned toward him and her eyes locked his.

"I'm really sorry, Logan" said Max one more time, uttering each words intently to show how much it was true. And with another sharp breath, forgetting her needs of light, she went on.

"I can't fight myself. I hate me probably more than you can think. I would have preferred never being created, but I can't do anything more than live with all of what I am. And hope that one day everything and everyone will be so far behind me that I will be allowed to forget it. I'm a lab rat, Logan, just a lab rat. I'm not responsible of what they did of me.

Max's voice trailed off as she waited for him to reject the lab rat allusion, as he always did when she was bashing herself. Hoping he would tell her that everything would be okay, that he would always be there for her, that they were still friends. But Logan remained silent and the meaning of his lack of words, as Max saw it, was that he didn't accept her apologies. Max blanched at the realization that apologies weren't enough at all. She swallowed hard, trying to fight back the lump on her throat and the squeeze of her heart was excruciatingly painful. But the pain refused to be driven away in her mind, the wildly grown pain kept standing in her 'feeling zone'. She tried to regain enough composure to dismiss everything. Find a smart-ass reply and to leave the place as soon as possible.

Logan could tell by the statement on her face that she was about to bounce. His blood boiled at the thought that she would crumble at the other side of her walls again. And as Logan would have love to tell her that he understood and that she shouldn't have to feel guilty about anything, to regain the easy it had once been between them, he couldn't help to slip in the gap of her walls that she had just exposed to bereave of her walls.

« What are apologies for the family of people who have been sacrificed to the caprice of immoral men? » He inveighed dryly.

A single tear escaped from Max's eyes and slid down her cheek.

Max knew now what her charges were. Logan had spelled it clearly. She was accused of killing the man. At nine years old. On the order of her commander. All thoughts of easiness escaped Max's mind the minute Logan's words came crushing her.

"We had received orders"

Logan closed his eyes in attempt to calm himself. He already knew that the children were raise to execute this kind of orders. It wasn't what he was seeking. From the depth of his soul, he knew that they had needed something more, something that had been able to overtake them. Even Lydecker had been clear and accurate on it: all they need is a trigger. And Logan was overcome by the urge to find out what had been the trigger.

"Orders?" ventured Logan.

"Yeah, orders. Track down and stop him." Replied Max wearing her tough guy behavior, trying to play him about her uneasiness. But as the last word left her mouth, she braced herself, knowing that she had just made her worse mistake. She had fallen on his trap. She realized how Logan had been truthful when he had greeted her with a smart 'I was waiting for you'.

And Logan, driven by his will to break down her walls, his will to reach her, his will to access another level of comprehension between them and, maybe, being able to open the door of wonderful possibilities, he jump on the lapsus.

"Stop?" Logan repeated staring in her eyes intently.

"Yeah… it was the orders. And we did it. Mission accomplished." Max broke the stare, her eyes looking for an exit, any exit. It wasn't safe to stay for her now . She had come to confront him, she had thought that she would be able to deal with everything he could have come up with. Now she knew that staying would be risky and put herself in danger. A big red alarm was flashing across her mind. _I wanted this_. She remembered to herself bitterly. _I can't believe I have been sure to win._

Logan took a look at her and correctly interpreted the look of a caged animal on her face. She was ready for another 'escape and evade'. He knew that he should have to kept her with him. In this. For their future. And he knew he would have to push her, hard, mercilessly, again. He was prepared to do it, but it was the most difficult thing he had ever done.

Knowing he should do it for her, not saying for him, didn't help him to say what he had planned to say at loud. But when Max slowly rose from the couch then he knew that she was leaving. The fears to let her go and never see her again, or most probably always see her in that state that wasn't really her, pushed Logan to play his last cards as she was standing in front of him. Max opened her mouth to give him her usual 'I should blaze' but never had the time to pronounce the first word. Logan stared at her intently, mixed emotions on his features and he almost closed his eyes as he whispered:

"And Ben? Did you stop him too?"

Max stepped back. Her eyes widened incredulously as his words went straight to her core and she was overwhelmed with emotions he had just freed from theirs locked place. The pain came crushing back to her like a titlewave in a storm and the dizziness overtook her, making her tottered. All the barriers that Manticore had taught her to raise with these years of training, conditioning and these painful hours in the psy-lab, all the twists that her brain had been able to use to protect her from what had just arrived, was pulverized at the very moment. Then whatever force was holding her was gone and she crumbed to the couch, her head in her hands, trying to fight back the torrents that was threatening to burst her mind.

If only she had had just a little more time. If only she had had just a little more days, just a little more hours, maybe she would have been able to fight it back. But she didn't have enough time to really forget, to built that big wall which was needed to get over of the recent events. She didn't have enough time to put it in this little box and to push it in the depth of her mind. The tears which was now sliding on her cheeks was burning as that day and helpless to relieve her of that time. Her world was tilting upside down as the memory flooded her mind.

In complet and utter shock Logan was staring at Max, truly paralyzed now, body and mind. In all the scenarios he had run around in his head as to how Max could finally react, he had never be near of this. Seeing Max's ditress broke his heart. The blank cold definitive proof that Max had killed her brother was lying in front of him and he understood that all of it was his fault.

_How could she have done that? _Risen up Eyes-Only within him once more. But Logan fought it back with all his strengths. That's enough. The walls was down now, it wasn't necessary to hound.

But Logan was still unable to move and it was Max who won the final battle. Tortured by the infernal round of her thoughts, all the same: the last moments with Ben as he was telling her about these places far away of the Nomalies, she reached for her salvage, pleading for the only hook she had been able to find through all these years of errands.

"Logan!" she begged in a misery whisper.

And Logan finally able to move and he wheeled to the couch faster than ever to transfert himself beside her. The next thing he knew, Max was throwing herself in his arms, taking his breath away.

Logan fiercely imprisoned Max in his arms.

_**TBC...**_


	7. Chapter 7: Divulgence

**A/N: Sorry to have been so late for the update, it was just a big big lack of courage from me to ask to my Beta for the Chapter!**

**As always, millions thanks to her for her incredible work on it. Thank you Jeanette! Without you, that story would be so bad that lots of reader would had stopped to read it.**

**Thanks to all peoples who already let me know that you like it, and for the 150 other silent readers, should I beg?**

**Lydecker's Perfidy**

Chapter 7: Divulgence 

An error.

_An dreadful error_. Logan kept repeating to himself, in the depth of his being, he had never believed that he could really break through her defenses. He had expected her ire or a scornful smile. Then he would have been allowed to keep talking and maybe she would have finally told him what had happened, what was tormenting her. He couldn't say now if he had really believed it, or if he had been played by his own mind. Had he really thought that her behavior was just a front?

It was an error.

And Logan was taken aback by Max's frenzied reaction, he hadn't planned anything like that. The best he could do was to keep her on his chest and pray that he didn't make anything irretrievable. And he was praying with all his heart. But he couldn't stop thinking that praying would be never enough.

Max was quaking in his arms, like she had never done. The worst of her seizures had never been near of this. Logan could feel the burning warm of her tears on his chest. The spasms were beating her, leaving her no room to breathe.

Logan leaned back, gently dragging her on his laps. His move caused her to skip a beat and she tightened her grip fiercely. Logan could feel his ribs being crushed. Whispering words without sense, he started to softly rock her.

In Max's head, everything was a blur of images and sounds, she knowing the pain more acutely then she had ever known. Trying to shut away all her feelings just to make her numb, she felt she was coming closer and closer to lose control completely. Then it was like every single cell of her body were starting to twist uncontrollably and she lost the battle.

Logan felt her became limp in his arms.

Max's mind was replaying again and again only one image by now. The emptiness. The wild and large emptiness of the forest which was spreading around her. And one single sound, almost inaudible, nearly unseemly with the peace flotting in the air. The noise of cerebral vertebrae which broke. Again. And again…

Logan couldn't tell how much time he was rocking her. He couldn't tell how much time he kept repeating the same words trying to comfort her, to praise her. All he knew was that appraisement didn't come, that he was unable to pull her from this trap where she was engulfed deeper and deeper. So he stopped whispering. He didn't believe anymore that the sound of his voice could bring her back. He stopped swaying. He didn't believe anymore that the slow rocking could calm her. He didn't believe anything anymore.

He was left to face the result of his decisions. There was thus the ransom of his last crusade. He had been so selfish, he had left his own interest to drive him. He had followed the way that had traced his wills to break through her defenses, pushing aside shadow of doubts which had crossed his mind, ignoring the little alarm which would have tried to stop him. All these doubts were back now to hit him, more strongly and so large that they have never been and with a new state: they weren't doubts anymore, they were certainties.

The truth of what these pseudo scientists had accomplished with these children sank on him like boiling lava. Logan understood now what they had done. At least, the why. The how, he did not want to even think of it.

And he had been willing to break her walls.

There was minutes, and then hours. Max was still shaking, but the tears were over. Logan had reached the bottom for a while. He had to have all the time to make his own process. The judgement had been no mercy.

He had broken her… _Mission accomplished._

He tightened his grip on her, this time not for her, but for himself, bracing himself for the hurt he knowingly would follow. More and more creped a the thought of, to make his way, he didn't hesitate to cross this line.

The pain was devastating. And Max's presence in his arms made it worse.

It was in his arms that she had run. In his arms that she had tried to protect her from herself. This thought filled Logan with humility.

_The only one who could comfort, is the one who had hurt._

Logan would never be the same after that. He would never fathom to look at her, to look in de deepness of her eyes. As certainly he had broken her, he knew he had lost her. And the fact broke him too. All the horror of his actions made him hugged Max with a broken-bones strength.

Max came to her senses, tore off the limb by the suffer of his embrace. With a gasp she let her instinct take charge of and she broke the embrace, not even aware that it was Logan, without paying attention not to wound him. When she felt freed, she opened her eyes and fell directly in the haunted grey-blue eyes who had always invaded her brain each time she had closed hers.

Still in the fumes of her burst of emotions, she couldn't remember what had just occurred. But she could read it in his eyes. They were so filled up with sorrow and pain that her memory came back. Both of them let escape a sharp breath as their eyes were trying to express all those feelings. They were locked on the same hook: the other.

It was Logan that finally found the strength to pronounce the first words, impelled by his remorses.

"Forgive me" he managed to beg, as the words were tearing his troat

Max stared at him as she seemed to weight an answer. The next few seconds would always be the longest that Logan would ever live. And he knew that her answer could destroy him. But the answer came before her words. Max's features melted a bit and she just wore again this soldier mask that he had learned to hate. She left his knees to sit back on the couch. So near. But so far away.

"I'm ok." Said Max, her voice was low and controlled.

Logan felt his heart sink in his chest. She wouldn't forgive. How could she? He had no right to only hope for. Himself wouldn't ever forgive.

"Why?" Max asked few moments later.

And Logan broke the stare.

"I wanted… I needed to understand." He tried to answer, honestly, she deserved the truth.

"Knowing what? If I could fall? What was needed to break down an X5?" Specified Max, scared at the thought.

"No!" Logan objected fiercely bringing back his glance on her. Then he closed his eyes when he read the grief in hers. "No" He started again, softly " just how you could... how you .." but his voice trailed, and died.

"Say it, Logan. " Max cut him, barely audible, but her voice was sharp, insistent. " you wanted to know how I can kill people with no regrets? How I became a killer without conscience?"

A snarl grew on Logan's lips as she was saying, at loud, the lucubrations which had grown up in his mind. The divagations he didn't allow himself to formulate so clearly. Hear them from her mouth was giving him a shock.

"Max" he tried to interrupt her, now that he understood what she had passed through.

But Max didn't stop, it was like a barricade had been broken, and as it was him who had wanted it, she didn't feel she should protect him anymore. He had asked to know. He would know.

"They forced us Logan. We have had to learn it, before learning how to walk. The brain development is faster than the body, you know? We have had to protect ourselves. Protect ourselves against the horrors they showed us. I can remember how much pictures I saw about tortures, punishments, pangs, lacerations, murders. Today I can say that, maybe, it was all fake. But you know? I'm not sure. I saw people being tortured until dead. Beaten children. Sacrificed animals. All for their great project! I cannot remember exactly all registers of cries of anguish that I was forced to hear."

Max curved her arms around her knees, in this small ball position she was taking like she was trying to keep herself the more little she could to avoid being exposed, to almost disappear if that could be possible. She was staring at him, now that he had looked at her again, but like when she had stared at the pictures some days before, she wasn't with him anymore, she was back at Manticore.

"How to train a babies who weren't able to walk? By the brain. They found it out. And they preferred to do it by night, these hours when darkness is so dense that the brain is more fragile, less cartesian, more emotional… It was their goals, reduce all emotions. Make all of it just a habit."

Despite himself, Logan was listening. Peeping, like people stopping for an accident, or a fire, captivate by the horror of the event.

"The brain is the most complex part of the human body. And the more wonderful. We had learned to build barriers, spaces out of reach. Maybe to protect ourselves, but more to protect them.. Knowing that under torture, or drugs, even the strongest soldier would abdicate."

Max took a deep breath, she had pushed the next memories in the deeper place, to forget them. But now they were back, and they were hurting.

"Some years later, as their exams showed that we could handle all these kinds of stuff, they stepped to another level. No more images, no more sounds. No more fake on a screen or just in our brain. That wasn't enough. They were needing to make it... true. It wasn't on screen anymore, it wasn't inserted in our brains. It was just… real. It was our siblings. The weakest of them, the ones who have been their errors. The ones we had learned to love a little bit more, because they weren't as strong as us, they were fragile, weak... The ones we had learned to protect against them. And the ones they had let us protect them from them."

Logan held his breath, understanding the meaning of her words. How many times had she laughed about him? 'the Logan Cale brigade for the defense of widows, small children, and lost animals' was what she had always said. He had taken it for granted. But now, she was proving him with they had been as careful as him. As they were only child, not a grown man.

Max was lost in her mind, unable to speak out loud anymore. She was re-playing all tortures her sibling had suffered in the Manticore's doctors hands. She remembered her little sister, Lacy, who had been so hurt that she had died, there, in front of them, in front of her. She remembered Lacy's last moments, while she was so broken that she had stopped crying, stopped moaning, stopped living in a total silence, with all the sorrow of the world in her eyes. She, and all of them, not knowing why they had to pass through that.

She remembered her brothers, enclosed in this little cage, like animals. No food, no water, no light, laying on the floor because they couldn't stand up, the cage was too small for standing up. Laying one over the other, the cage was too small to lay aside. Ernie had been the first to leave, to reach the freedom of death. They had let him there, as a reminder for the others, for what should be next for them. And they all followed him, hours later. One by one. In front of the doctors, in front of the other X5s. Once again, no cries, no moans. _Never show the weakness._

Logan was watching her, studying, seeking to figure out what she was thinking. She must have felt his glance because she suddenly opened hers and he could read on them the blinding pain she was feeling. He felt it on his own self. Selfishly relieved that she had stopped talking, knowing he wouldn't stand the complete descriptions. He put his hand on her shoulder, slowly, softly, wishing that she wouldn't reject him.

When she leaned toward his hand to feel his warmness, snugging, seeking for his touch, he felt blessed. A soft-bitter emotion rose within him as he wondered how she could still trust him so much.

Max knew that she couldn't tell him everything, whatever he had wanted to know. But as she had started as a sort of punishment, she felt now that she had to continue for her own sake. She had never talked about these worst souvenirs of Manticore. With nobody. Not even with Zack. They had carefully avoided these old events, preferring chatting about what had come next.

"Then came the first seizures. They have been the firsts to show this other weakness. They have been the firsts being taken away to far, in the night, in the darkness. We had never seen them again. Zack had been the first who saw the doctors dissecting one of them, like a rat. It was what we were for them: some lab-rats."

Logan felt the shiver which was shaking her as she remembered her own vision of this, of what they were doing at those who had these seizures.

"I saw it too. I saw them as they were taking a saw to open Jack's thorax. I saw them. Lydecker was there too. Drinking his coffee. Anger on his face."

Max felt Logan's hand soothing her, his slight stroke on her cheek, in a gesture he had always been the only one to have for her. She was brought back to the evening when she had had her first seizure here, when he had passed his night stroking her forehead, her hair. She felt this same feeling of security, of carefulness she had felt that time. She had never felt being so safer. Not even with Zack. Not even with Ben.

Ben 

"Ben was one of them."

Logan froze at the name she was mentioning suddenly.

"One of them that we have to protect. Each time we were in class, they were reminding us how lucky we were. To still be there. To not have been caught and brought to far. We were still alive, and healthy. Each time they were reminding us, I had to force myself to keep my glance away of Ben. Wondering, each time, how he could still be there, with us. How it was possible that they hadn't seen that he was as weak as the others. Each day, I wondered if he would be still alive the next one."

Max glaze became begging, as if she was needing his help, his strength. Logan heart stopped for a second. He didn't have to think more, it was gratefully that he opened his arms to let her came to him, his pulse racing at the thought that, maybe, it would be possible that she forgave. But Max, who had started to lean toward him, backed off suddenly and her expression hardened. The mask was coming back. How he was hating this mask… Logan lowered his arms, he was the only one to blame, not her. It had never been her.

"I was needing Ben. We all were needing Ben. He was a kind of preacher for us. He didn't need much sleep, as Johndy and me. He told us lots of stories. He allowed us to escape, at least in our mind, of Manticore. I think he was the biggest mistake of Lydecker. He made us believe. Believe that somewhere out there, another life could exist. Believe that the Blue Lady could take care of us, freed us."

"How" Logan asked as she had stopped talking again.

"He was always talking about the Blue Lady. Telling us that She was there, somewhere, to protect us, to lead us. Days after days, nights after nights, he talked of Her. And the Nomlies. We had started to pray, I think. Maybe just beseech, asking her to keep us away of the Nomlies. I don't really know. All we have to do, it was to give her offerings. Our teeth..."

It was Logan now who stiffened. He had read the autopsy reports of the corpses with the bar code on their neck. He understood what Max was telling him. Why she was explaining.

"I just realized that it was a link between Ben and Lydecker. Few years ago, I started to suspect that they could have been related. But it is only this week that I got the certitude about it. Ben had made an altar for the Blue Lady. On the roof of our place. We went there, by night, for the offerings."

A flash of rage ran in her brown eyes as she remembered this point, and she leaned toward Logan, this time in attempt to emphasize her next divulging.

"We were in a prison, Logan. Under check 24/7. How could have not seen what we were doing? We knew nothing about the outside. No one was aware of the word outside Manticore's walls. No one had ever heard anybody inside talking about anything outside. Probably a law of Manticore for his staff. Probably some prey for us if somebody had been caught talking about it… How Ben could have conceived his story about the Blue Lady, or the Nomlies? Somebody had taught him what to say. That was their plan. Their secret weapon. Get us terrified about the Nomlies. And it was Ben! It was Ben who taught us everything about them, saying that they would catch us, would bring us in the basement, would eat us slowly for eternity."

Through the disjointed description of Max, Logan could get the meaning, for these children, of a savior like the Blue Lady and the predators that had been the Nomlies. Even if he wasn't sure about what was a Nomlie, monsters maybe.

"Ben talked to me about the Nomlie last week. That reminded me something." Max's voice trailed as she heard Ben's voice yelling _'He's a Nomlie'_, reminding her how stunned they had been, and how wild they had turned. Closing her eyes, she felt that she was losing control, again. It was so clear now that they had worked to get them there. Using Ben to make it possible in their minds. _What better than letting one of us leaded the thought, the believe!_

"It was Ben's role in our team. Make us frenzied, terrified, insane. They destroyed him Logan. They had played with his brain until he couldn't come back. When I found him, he was in a church, looking for the Blue Lady, he had given her some teeth. He was trapped in this nonsense world they had put in his brain. He wasn't able to free himself of Manticore, of the Nomlies and the Blue Lady."

Max rested herself on the folds of the couch, tears running down her cheeks. For Ben, for her, for them. She would not talk anymore. There was nothing anymore to say. She didn't want to continue, try to explain what happened in the forest, with the guy, with the Nomlie. She was just needing to rest herself a little bit, not for a long time. Just to be able to stand up and leave, following the order 'Run'. Just some minutes…

When she fell asleep, Logan didn't dare to move, he knew she would flee at once she was awake. He knew she would not come back. Not wanting to hurry her leaving, he just looked at her, silently. Probably the last time that he could stare at his angel.

The day was coming when she started to be agitated in her sleep, a nightmare Logan couldn't deny having himself caused. Once again he tried to soothe her, stroking her arm, afraid that she would awaken. Max didn't wake up, though, but she clutched his hand and held it so tight that he was allowed to drag her on his knees. He felt her body unstiffened as she was teared of her nightmare and was resting her head on his shoulder. Her tears dried up slowly as his were now rolling down on his own cheeks.


End file.
